Doubts continuing

Well, today was Sunday. According to Christopher Hitchens the day in which billions of people delude themselves for fun and profit. Unlike Mr. Hitchens, I woke up this morning and opened up my Bible and read from Proverbs for clues to what God might want of me today. The passage was the end of the proverbs about integrity and purity and the end of those who do not try to live a righteous life. I worry about what God is trying to tell me. If Martin Luther King, Jr. was correct in his statements about the true measure of the character of a man, then I am really being tested right now. I received very little recreation this weekend. The museum and the time in Decatur was fun, but I needed something different.

When you are trying to support your family and your employees, it causes you to look at everything differently. You are always measuring the way you should against the way you must. Do you go on with the way you feel compelled to act and ask forgiveness later? Or do you alter your acts to match the measurement of your heart? I am not pleased with the choices I make and I do not like the progress of my life. I am trying so hard, but it is a struggle so often.

How much of this is luck and how much perseverance? I see many times when I could have charged more for my services. I know that I often leave money "on the table" when I charge for my services. I am trying to be fair and I am trying to make this work for the benefit of my family. Cindy and I have almost got Kate educated and that is an accomplishment. I am generally pleased with the product, but Kate can be rather lazy when it comes to things she doesn't really want to do. I am sure she can handle what life places in her path, but I am afraid that when she is tested she gets too anxious and worries about being able to handle the pressure. She has always had a hard time with that. She needs confidence. I wish she had the confidence in herself that her mother and I have in her abilities.

Perhaps my mother and father could say the same thing about me.


The up and down of this path
Will test my legs and wind
Along the turns of my life
There will be many bends
That will make me wonder
About the goal
But I am certain
There is rest at the end
And I will continue
Despite the deficit
Of faith in my abilities.

Toward the inevitable cold
And darkening, swirling
Clouds, curling, lifting
Before me and around me
I will keep my eyes on the path
For it is laid before me
For a reason I cannot see
But I have faith in its truth.