Sunday, June 3

Today was a day which saw the end of a week in which we saw the end of a long life and the beginning of a new marriage and then dribbled onto a breezy Summer afternoon in downtown Atlanta in which we looked at art and crafts and listened to a band from Louisiana and wound up late at the grocery store to pick up a few things to help get us through the week.

So I start a new week. I think Sunday is supposed to be the first day of the week. So if that is so, then it began with singing in the choir, listening to George Mixon preach in church and going up to Virginia-Highlands with Cindy to look at art and crafts and listen to Mark Brussard in concert. It was fun, but I am tired and need to go to bed.

George was preaching about rest and a return as found in the person of God. It reminded me of something I read in a book. It was talking about the difficulty Christians have with the concept of forgiveness and salvation. We acknowledge it from a rational standpoint, but can't really come to terms with the idea deep down. We still want to do something to earn our salvation.

Its actually a failure of faith. Our sinfulness doesn't allow us to completely acknowledge that Jesus has paid for our sinfulness with his sacrifice. Even when we make a faith statement, our faith falls short. It is a good thing that our salvation is in the hands of God and not in our own.

This is the problem. I continually take the wheel out of God's hands. I don't feel comfortable releasing my problems to God. Sure, I acknowledge the concept and acknowledge that the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross is a complete expiation of my sins. But my sinful nature doesn't allow me to accept the concept in my heart. Is my sinful nature blocking the work of the Holy Spirit in my heart? Is my desire to do it myself blocking my salvation ultimately? I think not, but it is still a problem. It creates the doubt which makes my life tenuous in relation to the theology of salvation.

The most tangible way in which this works to block my desire involves stewardship. It is an act of faith to tithe. It acknowledges the source of our gifts and it shows to us that God will provide. But I find it so difficult to tithe. I want to control the means of production. I don't want to place it in God's hands. This is a real quandry. I wish I had a solution which I could live with. Instead I struggle with this concept.

This is a failure of faith. It shows my inability to trust God. Even my prayer life shows a failure of faith. When something happens that I want to resolve or go away, I go to God over and over and over. I lisp my prayers continuously. But faith tells me that God knows my problems before I see them and doesn't need repetitious prayers, asking for the same things over and over again. The trust and the hope and faith which march arm in arm are found lacking.

God gave me a brisk breeze at my back today. Hopefully, he will continue at my back tomorrow. I pray so.