Consideration

I don't do very well at what I do. Am I to understand that I do not want to do what I do so it manifests itself in how I perform what I do? I think I am lazy. I feel that I am. My intuition or emotional "feeling" says that I am unsatisfied and lazy.

But I do work hard at things from time to time. In some ways I work harder than I am talented. I have wondered about this from time to time. I wonder if I am talented, but that my talent is uncultivated. Then again, sometimes I wonder if I am not talented and that I do well because I work harder. I wondered about this when I was playing football in high school and college. I wonder about it now that I am in the adult working world.

When I played football, I was pretty good for someone of my size, weight and speed. There again, I was fairly quick and fast. There again, it was mostly my emotions which drove me forward.

Now that I am a fifty year old adult,I look at what I do and see that I do a good job when I am motivated. But also, I think about the effect of my depression on my ability to even do simple things. It dissolves my concentration to do even the simple things. Like water dribbled over a block of sugar.

In some ways it is just the ordering of my life so that I am able to do things effectively.

I look back on times when I thought I was on top of the world. I remember when I was thirteen years old and we were in Fort Myers, Florida and felt that no one could beat us. We had good coaches and we were motivated. Our team was not that talented. I look back on that team, only Eddie Jackson, David Campbell and I ended up playing football in college. Perhaps only David was a star on that team. The rest of us were small and not that talented. But we a part of an organization which we felt was the best, even though that had been proven at that time. We believed that we should win and we did.

Later, when I was the captain of the Dunwoody High School football team and I won the election for school vice president, I was willing to say whatever I believed and won the election. I wonder if my ability to lead at that time was based on my abilities or on my confidence and other peoples' perceptions of my abilities.

When I was elected vice president and actually served, my tenure was unremarkable. Did I perform in the manner in which I did because I had accomplished my goal and was unmotivated to continue. Perhaps the attainment of the goal was sufficient.

Now I look at what I am doing now. I need goals to work toward other than accomplishing the necessities of getting Kate educated, working towards our retirement and establishing our household.

But I do miss certain things: friendship, competition, travel, respect. I would like to acquire those things above all. Those would make me more happy.

The things I wish I had are in my past. I need to make see them in my present and in my future, as well.